A Million Little You (A Million Little Me)

Look at me.
I said, Look at me!
What do you see?
I see you through a glass.
And is there any difference? He asked.
None at all, I replied.
I see a person wanting to be seen, to be heard, to be cared for and loved.
But I see something real. No pretensions, no qualms,
Powerful, destructive in force, gentle in honour
I believe in the dreamer, the soul-searcher, who travels to lands unknown
only to come back empty.
What’s wrong with you?
Why do you think such things?
Because there is nothing more real than the truth
That you are too blinded to see.
And what truth is that?
The truth that you are no one.
I am someone.
I am passionate.
You are borrowed.
I am someone.
I am love-crazed.
You are conceived in my mind, moulded into no one.
Generic.
I am someone,
An individual.
You are a reflection. A mere magic trick of light.
I am someone,
Defiant,
Who wants to change the world,
Who wants to succeed because he can create.
You are to be shared.
A gift for no one.
I am someone.
Given to everyone.
A jester to all but yourself.
Ha-Ha-Ha! I hear them laughing.
Mocking you ridicule yourself in front of them.
Why do you do such a foolish act?
Humiliating yourself so that others can.
I do this for them and not for you.
Not for you but for them.
Listen. They are still laughing at you.
No. They laugh with me.
And what you hear is music to my soul.
It’s nothing but noise to drown the truth.
Be kind to yourself.
Do not inflict any more pain.
The truth that you are no one,
Everyone will not like you and you,
You should not even care.
But I do.
You do because you want more than you need.
Shut up.
No.
Stop.
I don’t want to hear any more of this.
You must listen and accept what is coming.
HA-HA-HA! Laugh more, cry even.
You are Narcissus who sank on his own vanity.
Loving yourself was never a sin.
But too much is a crime.
The mirror shatters
Into a million broken little pieces lay on the floor.
I knelt down.
Now, look at me.
I said, LOOK AT ME!
Who is it that you can see?
I see you.
A million broken little pieces of you.

Bopis and Valentine’s Day

“Noel, you’re wanted at the Principal’s office,” my teacher said. At first I thought it was something I did wrong but then I quickly realized that being sent to the office for putting gum under my desk wasn’t enough reason. I knocked and slowly opened the door to the office. I entered and saw my father seated. I was surprised to so him and wondered what he was doing there talking to my principal. “Get your things, we’re going home,” Papa said. He thanked the principal and signaled me toward the door. I asked him what he was doing there and he just said that we’re going to my grandparent’s house. The news of me going there filled my heart with delight. I got to leave the school early and I would get to spend time with my cousins playing. I couldn’t be more excited. We reached our house and I dashed to my room to change. I kept thinking I would get to see my cousins, aunts, uncles and most especially taste my Lolo’s bopis again and on a school night. What more could a stressed-out little boy want? It was quite a long drive from our house to my grandparents’ but I didn’t mind. I was just so happy to see them all. It was a quiet drive and Papa wasn’t talking. All I could here was the music on the radio. We finally arrived and I immediately jumped out of the car and dashed toward the gate. I saw a lot of unfamiliar faces at the porch but I was too fervent to even ask why. I began looking for my cousins so we could start playing. I got to the kitchen and there I saw my mom and aunts immersed into conversation. They stopped when they saw me. I kissed my mom and went around the table to do the same to my aunts and uncles. “Where’s lola?” I asked. “She’s in her room,” my mom answered. I ran to her room and found my other family members huddled around her crying. She wiped her tears when she saw me and I hugged her. I asked why everyone seemed so sad but no one replied. I shrugged and went back to the kitchen. I was hungry and I was craving for my favourite delicacy which my grandfather cooks so well, but to my dismay it wasn’t there. My mom suddenly took me by the arm and asked me to sit with her. The next few words I heard from her shocked me to my very core. I was immediately filled with so much pain and grief that tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I rose from her lap and went to the wall near the bathroom. I started kicking and punching the wall vigorously as if it was all to blame. I shouted and cried harder and when I grew tired I fell on the floor and cried even more. My heart was pounding and I was grasping for air. And after a while I became silent and rose from where I fell. I walked slowly toward my cousins’ room and at the corner of my eye saw my sister crying. My mom tried to stop me but I freed myself from her hand and ran toward the room. I wanted to be alone to dwell on the grief I was feeling. I locked the door behind me as I entered. I cuddled up on the empty bed and began crying again. Suddenly, I was filled with memories of my grandfather, Apo Ben. I remembered his antics and other fond memories of him. I remembered he used to jokingly touch me on my privates saying that he wanted to check if it was growing faster than me. He always said that I was chubby and unusually small for my age.

My grandfather died February 14 due to a heart attack. It was his third. I never tasted his bopis again and I don’t even remember the last time I did. But I remember all the lessons he taught me. He taught me so many things. He taught me how to laugh out loud. He taught me to love cooking. He taught me that art is beautiful and that creativity comes not from the hands of the maker but from his heart and soul. He taught me what beer tastes like. He let me taste my first when I was 9. He was strong and strict but compassionate and loving. He taught me about death for the first time by dying. He taught me that it was ok and that the life we had on this earth was only borrowed and can be taken away anytime. He taught me that crying was nothing more than expressing pain and to weep because when someone leaves you, you are allowed to mourn for a while. But then you have to let go and remember fond memories you have that will last for a lifetime. I never tasted bopis the same way again and Valentine’s Day was not only the day of hearts but the day when my great Apo Ben taught me how it is to cry and to weep then let go.

Love and San Mig Light

I wanted to write beautiful poems and wonderful essays, about love and every story behind its sheer power. I have always considered myself a love-crazed person. It was all I could ever think about, and for a time it was all I could ever write about. As one movie I saw clearly illustrated, they say that there are different kinds of live. A love that’s blind with one being more engagingly attractive than the other. A love that fades when two people have grown too far apart brings you spiralling down. A love that’s lost when one dies. A love found even in just one night—at a bar. And then, there’s the cruellest kind of love, the unrequited love. A person doomed to watch the love of another blossom in silent tears and with sweet goodbyes. And so, here and now I decide to write about love and San Mig Light.

A lit cigarette and a cold San Mig Light
An idea of a near perfect night
A quiet spot in a crowded room
Loneliness made by choice

Sweet nothings and cruel words
My heart and thoughts run amuck.
There so much beauty coupled with pain
I see in your face.

You loved and you lost, you lived and died.
In the passing of the day and the coming of the night
With your silent tear and sweet goodbye
We part.

Passion, depression, lies and fears
On giving up and holding on
A pen, a paper, a coaster and alone
Me, with love and my San Mig Light

My Body's Not Mine

You gave me this body
But it is not mine
You moulded me into something
In the image and likeness
Conceived in your mind

My body is borrowed
A gift to be shared, but
Scarred and tainted
With feelings of pain and love, happiness and tears
And of all things failed

You loaned me this body
For me to use as I please
But I decided unwisely
With vices, I destroyed it slowly
Cigarettes, alcohol, sex and vanity

My body filled with passion
You alone can feel
Undying, deep and giving
Stolen from a figure unreal
Copied from a shadow with your seal

Other bodies I envy
For they’re muscular and big
While mine, small and lean
Sickly and thin
And somewhat unclean

Youth and beauty
Things my body clings in desperately
But I know it shall fade, wither and decay
As certain as the sun, as mysterious as the moon
My body like all others will be gone soon

“Take care of me,” it said.
Love me like a mother would a child, it pleaded
Unselfishly, undaunted and without disregard
My body, a place for my head
And the heart that seemingly plays dead.

My soul cries, “free me from this cage!”
A vision of me on the edge
My body is different
Different from my heart
It was shaped, given, borrowed, full of passion, and it is not mine.

A Lesson In Dancing

Dance as if no one is watching: close your eyes

And picture no one but you and I

Surrounded by music that only we can hear;

Trust me. Believe. I tell you; soon I shall teach you how to fly.



Dance as if no one is watching: embrace your freedom

from a world full of pain

of man unjust, I offer you peace and a promise to live

and to dance to keep you sane.



Dance as if no one is watching: follow the beat

And feel its rhythm. Hear the sound getting louder

and faster, taking you higher and higher.

I am your guide and this your heart shall remember.



Dance as if no one is watching: across time and space

Share your love and release your passion,

Raise your hand and reach for mine.

This is a dance of our own creation.



Dance as if no one is watching: open your eyes

And look beyond what you can see. Listen

To your soul: “I am you and you have become me”

We are as one as heaven intended us to be.



Now, let's dance as if no one is watching.

A Poem For Mama

This is a poem to my mother, Menchie
Whom I caused silent tears
With my broken promises and failed dreams
Whose strict upbringing and moody temper
Have kept us all on our toes
“Mama, Let’s talk, I want to tell you something”
She listened and understood
All I had to say
That pain was never my intention
But grief was caused by my action.
I am sorry for the way I am
And yet you love me just the same.
You are my hero
A pillar of strength to be admired
For your rare smiles and brave spirit
Have kept me going to fight
The battle I thought I lost
I won because you were beside me
For a mother’s love will forever remain
Constant and steadfast in its undying will
To keep my best interest at heart.
And so, I write this to thank you,
For your passion, your care, your love.
My mother Menchie, enduring and patient
Ageless in the heart of his son.

For You Who Made Me Cry (Again)

I write this poem to you
who made me cry
is it love I feel or but a feeling of longing?
In this world I stand alone
Waiting for a comforting hand
To guide me along a confusing path
Memories I hold
Of happiness and tears, I treasure
Not knowing when this will end
I dream of tomorrow.
Uncertainty lingers
In the crying nights and
Confusing days, I crave peace.
But like all things troubled
Solutions shall come
And soon all these shall pass.
I beg you to forgive me
For the times I wasn’t there to be with you
When the rain poured and no shelter to be found
When the scorching sun burned your back
And pierced your heart
I wasn’t there to cover you with my shadow.
And so I offer this to you
Nothing superb, or spectacular
But true, honest and pure.
And for you who made me cry
I thank you for the tears and
The love.

The Room Was Quiet part 2

I remember the room. Quiet and I don’t hear anything. Not even the dogs were barking outside. I’ve gone deaf. And suddenly, I could hear voices from downstairs. I feel restless and uncomfortable. “Not now, not again,” says the voice inside me. “Aha! Patintero. That’s what I want to play later.”
“I wish its 4 o’clock already so I could play outside with my friends.”
“I wonder what they’re doing now.”
“I don’t want this! I beg you please stop! Don’t!”
I looked at the door in the hopes that it would magically open and Bioman or Astroboy would come and save me.
“Not there, please no, not there!” The voice inside grew louder but my mouth could not utter any words.
It’s hot and I’m sweating. I’m tired and hungry. I don’t want to be here. “Superman, come and save me!”
I see outside from the window and I hear the dogs barking. Do they know what’s happening to me? I wonder where Mama is, she’s probably still working.
I feel lifeless, empty and hollow. My mind is going places but my body could not follow. I’m crying because I feel hopeless. I can smell something I’ve never smelled before. I wanted to throw-u. When is this going to end? I want to play outside with my friends.
To think I remember all these which I tried so hard to forget. When I was six, I remember the room was silent and I’ve gone deaf.

The Room Was Quiet

I remember it was quiet for a while and I could not even hear any dogs barking outside. I lay on a mattress beside my bed. I could hear it creek. I was pretending to be asleep. I heard the wind blowing seemingly whispering something to me. I heard the bed creek again, louder this time. “Not so loud,” she said. My yaya was with someone again. I saw him before. I think he was our neighbour. I didn’t know his name. He was big like a dinosaur; dark skinned and had a deep low voice. I feared him.

It was ‘Numbers’ day at school and the teacher had asked us to take out our workbooks. “I hate Numbers Day,” I whispered to my classmate. “Really? Why? Ako, I love it!” she blissfully replied. I would rather have the recess so I can play with the turtles outside. And when the bell rang, I rushed to the door and found my usual spot. I ate my lunch quickly and immediately began playing with my friends. She was outside waiting, undoubtedly gossiping with others like her. I did not want to leave school. I wanted to play all day long. She screamed from afar and gestured for me to come to her. I refused to heed her call. I walked slowly, pretending not to hear nor see her. She screamed louder. I still didn’t look and continued to walk in a pace even the turtles at the playground would admire. I reached the gate where she was and looked back at the school I was saddened to leave behind. I saw my friends still playing while apparently waiting for someone to pick them up. Teary-eyed, I sighed. She shouted at me and instantly grabbed my ear as if trying to rip it off my head. “Baket ba ang bagal-bagal mo maglakad? Hindi mo ba naririnig yung mga tawag ko sa iyo? Ikaw talaga na bata ka!” She continued to shout at me far after we got home. She dragged me upstairs toward my room and asked me to change my clothes. I undressed as quickly as my chubby, little body would allow. I did not want to give her any more reason to get angrier than she already was. It was one-thirty in the afternoon and I knew that it was nap-time. The mattress was ready in its usual place, beside my bed. She forced me to sleep. I laid there, closed my eyes and in a curled-up position I acted to be asleep. But my mind was wandering and sleep eluded me. And half-way between dream and reality I heard the doorbell ring. The man spoke and I knew it was him. The deep low voice I feared resounded throughout my body. I started to shake. There were footsteps and I could tell they were coming up the stairs. The door opened and I shut my eyes.

I heard undecipherable words. Loud whispers but I could not understand what they were saying. And after what seemed like forever, she stepped out of the room. He slowly rose from the bed and walked toward the door. He locked it. In an instant, I know what was going to happen. It was the same as before. My body started to tremble uncontrollably. I willed it to stop. I could hear him coming closer to check if I were still asleep. I felt his breath on m face as he looked. And then, he picked up my hand and placed it on what felt like a warm, rough stick. My hand immediately jerked away. He held it tighter. I wanted to chew off my arm desperately. I wished so hard that the nerves in my body would die and my hand would go numb. He started to touch me, caressing sensitive areas of my body. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to scream and run toward the door. I kept willing my mind to go to a happy place; a place where he could not follow. Somewhere far from where I was then, where I was held hostage. But my body refused to move. Fear had paralyzed it. My mind was spinning. I was disgusted. There was no where else to go. I was trapped in the hands of a sick puppeteer. And I was the puppet, lifeless, empty. I was a mere child. I was only six and I remember it was quiet for a while.

Infinit* Paradise

Three days and two nights of glorious bliss.

We took the 5am ride bound to Batangas Pier with only 4 hours of sleep. Nothing's going to stop me from going to White Beach. It was time to take the much needed break from the stressful life at the office. Our biggest event of the year is about to come up and I filed a leave a week before. Heck, I was stuck in the province during the Holy Week break and even then Galera was all I could think of. I was all prepared. New board shorts, sunblock, cigarettes and condoms. We were all set for a weekend of sin.

It was still very costly. Room rates range from 2- 4 thousand bucks a night. We got the cheapest room we could find. One room, one bed, one bathroom and a whole lot of space for action.

The day started slow. Vicky and I went for brunch. And much to our dismay, the food tasted like crap so we decided to start drinking early. 12 noon. San Mig Light and Red Horse. Boy hunting to its highest level. It was literally raining gorgeous bodies, hot skinhead men, tanned chests, and a whole lot of alcohol. Stalker pictures galore. I couldn't think of a more perfect way to unwind. But being that it's a Friday and we were both on leave, work came pouring in as soon as we had our first drink. Still it was a whole lot better working at the beach than stuck in a cubicle at the office working your ass off while others take their 3 hour lunch break for God knows what kind of meeting.

So we savoured the fact we were there even though we never stopped taking calls from people at the office and sms'ing till our fingers got numb. So after one litre of Red Horse and 6 San Mig Lights, we were buzzed beyond belief but it felt sooooo damn good!

Saturday.
We vowed not to get drunk too early. (Yeah, that's right I skipped Friday night coz we basically slept. We were both so drunk we didn't even finish our Mindoro Sling. Lo and behold we were both asleep before 12 midnight.)

Saturday night was the best. We prepped for that night around 6pm. Got enough rest from the previous night so we were both fully-charged and ready to get our hands on some men. We went back to the same bar, hoping to get to meet the guys we were eyeing the previous night. Let's just say Vicky got more than enough that night and I GOT SQUAT! Though I still had fun with the fabulous music by no other than our good friend DJ TRAVIS at the Infinit* launch party and the free booze Atche was able to get out of those men. Still... I would have wanted to get laid that weekend.

(read all about Atche's adventure in her blog .... visit http://www.iamsucculent.blogspot.com/ for the story SOON!)

Overall, it was a great trip.

Dozens of pictures.

Lots of great men.

Supberb Company and a promise that paradise will remain.

What more can I ask for?

I will definitely keep coming back to the sin capital... with nothing else but a VENDETTA to get some of that action I missed and SHE had so much!

CHEERS!

Quarterlife Crisis?!

I’ve been doing some serious thinking recently and it’s causing me so much stress. Perhaps this is what they’re calling the quarter life crisis. I’m hoping that it will not cause me panic attacks or even some absurd emotional thingy.

I’m 25 years old, living with my parents. I have stable job that pretty much covers my daily expenses, unfortunately not my debts. No savings account. Lots of credit cards. Drinks almost everyday. Smokes habitually. Gay. Single. And you’re thinking what am I so afraid of? Hell what should I be worried about right? I might die due to liver cancer or lung cancer (or any smoking-related disease), alone and broke. Now, this may cause some of you readers to re-think your life but heck this is what I’ve been going through the past couple of months. So let me just share.

I remember when I was younger that I couldn’t wait to get older. Until I have. And believe me now that I think about it, I’d much rather be young and carefree than old and full of responsibilities. Good thing that I’m not thinking of raising a family or worse, getting married. I pretty much have to only think about myself. But as a single gay man in the big city, you don’t have many options. You either die with a “companion” or die in the loving arms of someone. I know some of you older men and women there would beg to disagree about this crisis. You might even say I’m still so young to think about these things. But I’d rather be thinking about these things now than 25 years down the road and I’m still single, broke and drinking.

They say you don’t know where you’re going until you know where you have been, right? So let us retrospect on my so-called adult life. Hmmm, 18 years old, where was I then? I was in college. Taking up a course that my parents wanted me to take, Political Science at DLSU. They wanted me to become a lawyer, as they were frustrated lawyers themselves. But much to their dismay, I graduated and I did not pursue law. I just felt that it was not for. All I knew was I wanted to make it big. I wanted to prove that I could be someone even without the law degree.

Eighteen was pretty much my wonder years. Lots of friends. I was going out almost every night. Slept over a lot. Tried a lot of things. Suitors left and right. Glory years how I miss you. I was young and fabulous. Around that time I met one guy whom I thought would be my life partner, Dominique (do-min-eek). Until, I found out he was screwing around. We lasted for almost 2 years.

After I graduated I went for the easiest job I could find – a call centre. I was there for about 3 months when I decided to quit the boring and monotonous world of the outbound calls (no offense meant). I sought better pastures and landed a job as a Business Development Officer for a trading company. Where I met one of my closest friends now, Vhal. I stayed there for about 2 years when I decided to jump ship when the company was losing money fast. I met my two ex-boyfriends when I was there, Erwyn who works then as a ground steward for Malaysia Air and Qantas. And Vince, whom I consider one of my greatest, if not the greatest love of my life.


It was late night and I opened my Friendster account. It was a busy night at work and I wanted to de-stress a little.

Message from Erwyn:
Hi! I like your pics. I hope to get to know you better.

I clicked on REPLY.

Noel:
Thanks for the message Erwyn. Maybe we could start getting to know each other through YM. What do you think?

I didn’t get a reply till the next night when I opened my account again.

Message from Leo, Ron, Mikaela, Cash, Erwyn…

I clicked on Erwyn first.

Message from Erwyn:
Eyy, thanks for the reply. Sounds like a great idea. Here’s my YM: h*n*hu*k*@yahoo.com

I decided to add him up and to my surprise he was actually online. We talked about a lot of things. The basics, like where you from, how old are you, what do you do, etc…
This guy seems to be interesting, sweet and real. Unfortunately he didn’t have a picture so I didn’t have a face to match with the words. It took some convincing for me to persuade him to send me his picture. I remember it was a crappy, blurred, and old picture that he sent. It took a couple of days more for him to send me another picture. It was still blurred, but it had promise.

It was my birthday and we were already sms-ing for a couple of weeks now when we both decided to meet up.

Hey. Merry Christmas! How are you doing?

I’m doing ok naman po. Just about to leave work. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to you! Ano plans mo for tonight?

Wala naman. I’m just here alone in Se*ttle’s B*st in Gre**nbe*t writing. All my friends are out with their families eh.

Ah talaga? Eh why are you spending your birthday alone?

Wala lang, eh kaysa naman maburo ako sa bahay. Eh di might as well lumabas nlang ako. Are you busy? You want to meet ba?

Hindi naman. Sure. Cge, I can be there in 30mins.

Great I’ll see you then.

We described what we were wearing so we’d recognize each other. Thirty minutes later a guy wearing what was described appeared and went inside. I was outside smoking. A few more minute later, he approached me and said: “Hi, are you Noel”

“Erwyn? Yeah. Hi! Nice to meet you!”

He was with a couple of friends. Probably as a plan B in case he didn’t like me. He could always come up with an excuse to leave. We chatted for a couple of minutes and decided to have a few drinks in Malate. And there, hours after we finally met he said I love you.

It lasted 3 months.

-0-

I met Vince in a most unlikely way.

Excuse me. I’m kinda lost. Do you know how I can get out of here?

Ahhh, yeah! You go straight and turn right at the corner, then left and when you reach the intersection you turn right again. Where are you headed?

Home. In Skyland near the Makati Fire Station.

Oh ok. Just follow the directions I gave you. I’m sure you’ll find your way.

Uhmm, where are you going ba? Maybe I can give you a ride?

Actually, I was about to go to Burger Machine, a few blocks from here. It’s ok. I can walk naman.

Oh no, I insist. Don’t worry. Harmless ako.

Ok then.

I officially became a pick-up boy. Haha! Can’t help it, this guy’s cute. And you guessed it. We didn’t end up in Burger Machine; instead we were parked in front of my house and talked until 5:30 in the morning.
It lasted for almost 2 wonderfully complicated chaotic years.


I was jobless for about a few months and decided to spend time to rest in province. My relationship with Vince was, to say the least, complicated. We were going through a tough time. Our relationship officially ended right about the time I found my next “transit” job. I landed in another call center. After all it was the easiest job to get. It was short and sweet. I met some of my good friends there, Clarice, Lisa, Maja, Mommy A, Mommy O, among a few. I had fun working there. Aside from the fact that it wasn’t exactly challenging I nevertheless made it easy to bear by going out everyday and de-stressing. Welcome to my Alcoholic Anonymous days!

“Hi! My name is Noel and I am an alcoholic”

No, I didn’t join the AA Club. But the rate things were going I was pretty much headed there. And so upon my regularization and possible promotion, after six long months, I resigned.

Still single.

My good friend Vhal said there’s an opening in the company she works for in Ortigas Center. My resume has been with her for a couple of months now. I had to choose between another company and I went for the better offer. A month later I was single no more. Met this guy in the building works at a different floor. Sweet, cute and half-Spanish we had the same age but had different wavelength. We were only going out for a few days when we became a couple. A couple of months fighting over petty things our incompatibility became unbearable. We decided to call it quits in McDo. Suddenly, like a blast from the past Erwyn reappeared ever hopeful and wanting us to get back together. It never materialized. He was still the same.

Vince and I never really closed the door to our relationship. It was still complicated when he decided to give it another shot and I chose to slam the door by entering into another relationship. It was the biggest mistake I made. I knew I still wanted Vince but when opportunity for another possible long term relationship came with someone else I hardly knew came knocking I bit the apple. He was promising but he broke my trust, ergo I called it off.

And just to prove my stupidity and stubbornness in love, I grabbed the next opportunity to make me happy. This time it was with a confused, narcissistic, childish fashionista. I ended up to be a rebound guy for him (though he refuses to admit this till today).

It lasted 3 weeks. But he kept coming back. I was immune.

Swamped with work. Jet-setting. Stressed. Depressed. I try and find comfort with the hope that I’ll still find one than can turn my world upside down. Still kissing a lot of frogs in the hopes that he’ll turn out to be a prince.
That’s it for fairytales.

And so seven years later, I reach the undeniable fact that I’ve grown older. I’m not as marketable as before. And recently I’ve been attracting the younger guys, fed up with ONS, tired most of the time, and often spend time alone. Which only attests to the fact that I am indeed old.

So we come to the dreaded questions: Where am I now? What do I want to do with my life?

Honestly, I got very little idea to the answers for those questions. But like before I still want to make it big. I still don’t know how though, but to dream is free. I’m planning to stick with this job for the next couple of years. After all I still love what I’m doing. And this job holds some promise for me. Love? Long-term relationship? Seems like it’s becoming more and more unattainable for me.

My friend recently got married. And aside from one obnoxious guest, it was near perfect. Another friend had a new baby. And another graduated from law (and passed) with his five-year boyfriend right beside her. I’m happy for my dearest friends but I can’t help but get envious with them. I’m starting to feel pathetic going in and out of relationships. It’s getting be a necessity for me more than a promise. My best friend said I should just wait. Be patient and it’ll come. As much as I would like to believe this, I’m growing tired of hoping, believing and kissing frogs. She said I should still go out on dates but this time just for fun. She knows very well that when I go out with someone, I pressure myself in the belief that this may be the one. “That’s just who I am,” I said. I’m still the hopeless-romantic and love-crazed person as before.

Soon these too shall pass…

9 months and counting.

Lights Off!

Daang taon ang aking inantay
sa paghanap ng iyong distritong tinahak
Pag alay sa bukas na tila nagalala sa paglalakbay
Kulang pa ba ang pangakong sa dugo ay sinulat
Nanalig sa bukas na dapat tayo'y magkapiling na.

Isa lang ang laman ng isip sa pag tuklas ng iyong nais
susuyurin ko ang buong mundo sa pagnanais na ika'y makita
malaman ang sa puso't diwa mo'y pagasa ang dala

Na sa piling mo langit sa iyong kanlungan
paalam na sa pagwari'y walang taning ang pagibig mo sa akin
bulag man o bingi sa katotohanan
hindi ako hihingi ng patawad
tangis ko ang luha
buhat ko ang iyong pangarap
akap sa aking mga kamay

Magkulang man ang pananalig sa akin
Tila walang humpay kitang iibigin
wag kang bibitaw sa pagasang muli
At kahit ika'y maglaon sa ibang lugar
Ako'y magaantay

"Asahan mong mula ngayon pagibig ko'y sa iyo"

Sunduin mo ako sa aking paguwi
salubuingin sa katapusan ng aking paghihintay.

for the angel behind the mask...

I remember.

In a room full of people
I saw you.
A glimmer of a face
The sparkle in your eyes
Seem to light the room.
And then, it was only you the mattered.
The smile that pierced my soul
Coaxed my heart to beat
I found an excuse
To simply know your name
And if this is the only thing I’ll hold
I shall keep it tight.
A simple message
Forced me to understand why

I cannot be there
It’s not my time.
The sky seemed dark
And for that moment
Fate intervened.
Pretensions. Truths.
And so I wait and hope
Staying beneath your shadow
I offer support.
I did not want to intrude
But to you I say these words…
I wish to care for you
The way you have never been cared for before.
Let me be the one to complete you
The way you wanted to be filled.
Le me be there
To watch and admire.
Let me hear your voice
And listen to every word
Le me share your pain
And comfort you through the every ache
Let me believe,
Someday you’ll look at me and say
Forever.

Someday by Nina

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eyes
But then i won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if i can't

I know
You dont really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well i've got news for you
I know i'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus


Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down,and i'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

The Frog Princ(e)iple

12.10.06

And then the princess leaned over, picked up the slime-filled frog and gave it a kiss.

**poof**



Why is it that finding the right person for you seems like such a daunting task? Is it because we try so hard and exert so much effort in finding the right one that more often that it only leads to disappointment? Perhaps we get more thrills with the search rather than the find. Perhaps it gives us a sense of false hope that someone out there is really meant for us. We go to such great lengths in so many avenues desperately searching for the one that we believe can complete us. We spend so many hours looking chatting over the internet, dancing in clubs, sweating at the gym, going out of town, eagerly wanting to bump into the love. We even go to the unlikely places to find love, sauna baths, movie houses, weddings, bookstores, and sex clubs. Hey, not that I’m saying you won’t find love there but often our need drives us to leave no stone unturned, making us appear a little desperate.

If you believe in fairytales, there’s always a young princess that needs rescuing whether from a dragon, a witch, or from a tower in some castle. And of course the story won’t be complete if there’s no handsome young knight, prince that will come to the rescue and save the day. And they shall live happily ever after. Even if Cinderella turned out to be a nagger; Snow White a pathological liar; or Sleeping Beauty to be lazier than a sloth. The happy in ever after comes when you realize that the princess was not the person you hoped or the prince not as gallant as you thought. The happy comes when their faults don’t matter, when their mistakes don’t bother you, when you decide that the past is past and you only hope for a better life together.

What about the Frog Prince? The only reason I liked this particular fairytale is that this time it was the prince that needed rescuing. Come to think of it, how many frogs are you willing to kiss to find the right one? And how many frogs will kiss you before they realize that it is you they’re looking for?

-0-

Last night, I went out with Icko in an event/birthday party of his friend. It was somewhere in Tomas Morato and to be honest it was not my really my cup of tea. Even if I love events, bands, parties especially birthdays, this one was, let’s just say, the gods seemed to be against it. It was raining on and off the whole night, the crowd was the type you’d probably see in a village fiesta, the setting was on a street, the hosts were lousy, service was terrible. The only good thing I can say about the event was that the booze were free. J*ge*me*st*r, S**y Vo*ka , and S*n Mi*uel were some of the sponsors of the event so the drinks were pretty good. Though as the night dragged on, I so badly wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else but there. But of course, I was with Icko and his friends (which I liked by the way) so I had to stay. And half past one we decided to call it a night. We said our goodbyes and went off our way. Here’s the redeeming factor of the night I had. Icko and I braved the downpour to get a cab. And then we started talking about many things, and here’s an excerpt.

Icko: Thank you!

Noel: For what?

Icko: For staying with me and meeting with my friends. I know it wasn’t exactly the best night we had.

Noel: It’s ok. I had fun just being with you.

Silence. We kissed and held hands.

Icko: My head hurts. I think I had too many drinks.

Noel: I gestured him to sleep on my lap. And he rested.

Icko: I love you baby!

Noel: I love you too.

Icko: Don’t you dare leave me.

Noel: I won’t if you promise not to hurt me.

Icko: I won’t.

For the next 20 minutes or so I was just brushing my fingers on his hair and looking at him. Not saying a word, I watched him sleep so peaceful in my lap. I realized then how much I really felt for this person.

Noel: Let’s get married.

He stood up. Surprised.

Icko: Are you serious?

Noel: Well, it kinda just sorta came out of my mouth. But then again, why not?

Icko: But why me?

Noel: Coz… I just think we should.

At that time, I wasn’t thinking straight. I just thought that after all the crap I’ve gone through I don’t want this to be just another relationship. Perhaps I wasn’t that serious when I said what I said but some part of me wanted it so bad. I wanted to settle down and share my life with someone without worrying of the repercussions.

Icko: Alright, when?

Noel: On your birthday.

Not another word was said about it. I think we both understood what each other felt. Both fear and uncertainty accompanied with love and excitement lingered inside the cab all the way home.

-0-

*poof*

The frog turned into a handsome young man.

After kissing so many frogs and not finding the right one, where do you go from there? Frogs will always be frogs. They will not turn into prince charming no matter how many you kiss or how you kiss them. You just have to pick out the best frog on the pond and hope for the best. (Shout out to my best friend Nat!)

Closing Cycles by Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to leave abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a stand- still. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.

What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful in maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts- and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detached your self from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, you love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss; that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous that not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits you life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were and change into who you are.

Poster le Manuscrit:

From my favorite author sent to me by mother via email.

For The Prodigal-Med Student

READ! http://natalisms.blogspot.com/2006/09/leprechaun-flavored-pringles.html

My Comment on a (Best)Friends blog entry...

"You have to promise me that you'll read my blog... you owe it to me as your best friend!"

So after a smoke downstairs, I went back up and hurahhh my Big breakfast meal just arrived. And I remembered a promise made to my bestfriend... that I'd read her blog.

If some of you still doesn't know, she is one brilliant writer, too bad she's in medicine (or should that be a good thing?).

Truth be told this entry got me a little teary-eyed. I realized that if I went through with law school then I would probably be going through the same exact hell. You could just imagine what a "not-just-an-ordinary-Outsider" felt reading this. I have always had a huge respect for med students not just because they are studying to save lives or make it better but because they are doing what they are doing---eating, breathing, and living in hell. For them the most important thing is to make a difference. And how many people do you know who goes by this mission?

CHEERS! to my bestfriend who once was on Outsider but now found her true calling! Love yah!

text message sent 9/7/2006 10:12AM

Fuck. Naiyak ako sa blog mu. Not juz coz of u being a med student but i kept thnking if i went through with law, i'd probably go thru d same hell. Proud of u!

Till Salt and Pepper

A wise friend told me, "You cannot hold on to everyone. You have to let go of one to gain the love of another. Don't commit the same mistakes I did."

I’ve known her six months and I have never heard a wiser advice. My confidant, my friend, my roomie, Vicky, a “fantabulous” writer and an old soul; she can move mountains with her words and make men drop-jaw by her looks.

-o-

Just add a sprinkle of salt and a touch of pepper to taste.

-o-

I’ve always written stuff about things or people that inspire me. For the longest time I’ve written about love, heartache, pain, fear, and confusion. At some point it gets quite tiring and yet the hopeless-romantic in me craves for more. I have seen the world in dazzling colors and experienced life in an assortment of carnival rides. I made friends and enemies along the way. Broken hearts and healed wounds. Braved the rain, weathered the storm and bathed on the glorious sun. Dreamed big, got there and wanted more. But in this complicated, unorganized world that I live in there is but one thing that drives me to wake up every morning…

Love.

More often than not you’ll meet someone you don’t expect and shake you right out of your senses. But until then, you wait for prince charming to come in a gallant horse, sword at hand, shield at the other to simply sweep you off your feet. You dream about love, succumb to frustrations and wait for hope to spring.

Unlikely I met someone here. In a place full of horn dogs and people who long for the mind-blowing s*x they so desperately need. I fear hearing my heart shatter into a million pieces again. I am sick of play and tired of toys. And so, after weeding out the rotten apples I find one touched by the hand of Midas.

I met you once, back when youth was against me. Meet you again and almost lost you because the moon was full. I will not lose you again. I grabbed the destined meeting. And you cancelled, fear of what it might bring for the both of us. What seemed to be our last chance to be together created what appeared to be the 4th of July.

Magic in a coffee shop.

A Happy Meal and “How to Lose a guy in 10 days.”

The loveseat and the pillow talk.

And hours past midnight I couldn’t help myself. The world stopped spinning and I materialized the words my heart felt. Nothing else mattered. Just you. And knowing that salt and pepper was more than ingredients to taste, it was a promise.

my longest relationship

tauhan:
lj- a 24 yo successful account executive sa isang international company. ambitious, self-driven, at patuloy na naghahanap ng kaligayahan. bakla.
elle - bestfriend ni lj, isang 26 yo business woman na may sariling resto/bar sa makati at malate.
tagpuan: sa isang bar sa malate; friday night

lj: baket ganon?

elle: ang alin?

lj: may bar ka naman bat dito tayo nakatambay?

elle: wala lang para maiba lang. wala naman cgurong masama andito tayo, friend ko din naman may ari nitong bar.

lj: yun na nga eh, yung bang friend mo na yan tumatambay din sa bar mo?

elle: oo naman!
teka bakla, baket ka nga pala nagaya lumabas?

lj: wala lang, depressed lang ng onti ang lola mo?

elle: at baket nanaman? alam mo ikaw! lagi ka nlang depressed. di ko gets.. dahil ba kay ben?

lj: *sigh* sabay sindi ng yosi

elle: mashado mo naman kasi dinidibdib mga emotion mo eh. alam mo, why don't you just focus on your career.

lj: hay nako dear ano ba nga ba ginagawa ko? kita mo nga na halos araw araw overtime ako. nilulubog ko na sarili ko sa work para lang di ko naiisip mga problema ko sa lovelife ko.

elle: you go out on dates naman diba?

lj: yes i do. pero nakakapagod na maghanap ng matinong date. parang laging may sablay.

elle: kasi you keep looking for someone like ben, lagi kang nagcocompare. ben is ben, makita mo man sa iba ang gusto mo kay ben di pa din siya yun. you have to learn to take your chances with others. ikaw din ang mahihirapan kung lagi ka nlang aasa na magkabalikan kayo.

lj: dear, mahal ko kasi sha.. at alam kong mahal nya din ako.

elle: eh what's stopping you from getting back together.

lj: sabi nya kasi it's going to be hard for him, kasi nagkaroon na ako nga someone ulit. at alam mo naman kung ano din ang nangyari don diba? it didn't work out din kasi wrong timing.. i guess i just didn't love him enough. i know naman i was unfair to him.

elle: don't be too hard on yourself, you played your part din naman to make the relationship work. it just wasn't meant to be.

lj: alam mo iniisip ko, malas ata talaga ako sa relationship. at swerte sila sa akin. pansin ko lang ha, sa lahat ng recent relationship ko pagkatapos namin mag break, masaya sila kung di man alone, masaya sila sa new relationship nila at ako left alone to contemplate on things that i've done. how unfortunate.

elle: tahimik, inom ng vodka sprite.

lj; animal! magsalita ka, are you telling me tama ang iniisip ko.

elle: gaga! of course not. i just wanted to make sure seryoso ka sa sinabi mo? dahil malapit na kita batukan. how could you even think that?

lj: well it's too much of a coincidence naman kung saka sakali diba? halos lahat sila ganon ang nangyari.

elle: and that makes it true na? ganon ba yun?

lj: tahimik, tingin sa cellphone at text text kunwari

elle: inom, tingin sa paligid.

*30 sec of silence*

elle: sino naman yang ka text mo? or nagtetext ka ba talaga?

lj: hindi, tinitingnan ko lang messages ng phone ko.

elle: tinotorture mo lang sarili mo.

lj: yeah i know. eh di ba masukista naman talaga ako.





elle: tell me 10 things why you still love him?

*cue song: snow on the sahara by anggun*

lj: 1st, contrary to his belief, he makes me happy most of the time. magtext nga lang yun, di na ako magkanda ugaga. pag magkikita kami i make sure na sobrang gwapo ko muna at sobrang cute bago ko sha kitain. so many costume changes.. 5-6 times ako kung magpalit. tapos mga 30mins sa buhok pa.

elle: o.a.

lj: di noh.. totoo yun. tapos dalawang beses ata ako kung maligo para lang sobrang bango. i make it a point na di ako aalis ng bahay hangga't di ako sure na malalaglag panga niya sa akin. that's how much effort i put just to please him.
2nd. he makes me feel that i'm part of his life. he makes me feel needed and wanted.
3rd. he sacrifices things for me even if i don't ask for it. and i'm willing to do the same.
4th. kahit nasasaktan na ako ng paulit ulit, laban lang ako ng laban. iniiyak ko lang. pero my feelings won't change for him. kahit nakakapagod na. i don't give up.

elle: di naman kaya mashado ka na unfair sa sarili mo? parang your not giving yourself much credit. lagi nlang sa kanya.

lj: alam ko naman yun eh. pero alam ko din kasi na there were times that i'm more unfair to him.

*cue song: i just can't let go by ambrosia*

elle: but why do you allow yourself to be hurt like that? kasi mahal mo sha? but that's not enough. it shouldn't be like that.

lj: there are certain things na kakayanin mo para sa taong mahal mo. i know it's cheesy but that's life.

elle: question: why are you scared to be alone?

lj: i just don't see myself being without someone. i want someone to take care of me and i want someone i can take care off. i want a companion in life. someone i can share my dreams with. someone i see a future with. yung alam kong kahit anong hirap kakayanin namin. i saw that in ben. in almost 2 years that we were together i saw the world differently. i saw my future with him to be hard pero alam kong kakayanin. i didn't know i was pushing him too much over the edge, till he fell and gave up on me. he wanted me to change and i did pero i felt that i was losing myself in the process. but it was ok for me, i didn't mind. but it also seemed that for him, the change was too slow and that it wasn't enough.

elle: how sad.

lj: 5th, he loved me like no one else did.
6th, he did things for me, little things that made me feel special.
alam mo ang masaklap lang for me now, is that i want his happiness more than anything and i don't know if i'm best for him. i don't want him to come back to me because naawa sha, and knowing him. hindi naman nya gagwing bumalik for that reason alone. he doesn't like me telling him i want him back, he needs enough reason for him tl do that. and i don't know how else to prove to him that i'm still madly in love with him. i also need to be happy, i have the right too? but i'm doing everything i can to make him happy and i don't even know if he is. i also want to tell him that he should also try and make me happy naman, but i don't want to do that kasi as he said; the ball was already passed to me. it's up to me now. but what else should i do? ano pa ang dapat kung gawin.

elle: i guess you just need to keep doing what you're doing.

lj: i'm afraid i'm running out of battery. hanggang kailan at hanggang saan pa ba?

elle: kanta yan bakla!

lj: animal!!

*tawa ng sabay*

elle: ano na ang pinaka masakit na nagawa nya sa iyo?

lj: there was one day after i played badminton. i decided to call him up. then he picked up. i asked him kung busy sha sabi nya medyo. he sounded as if nahihiya at parang di alam ang gagawin. i asked kung asa bahay sha sabi nya oo. then, i apologized for calling. he was obviously with someone doing something. i didn't know what he was doing but he seemed agitated when i called. it's like when your mom calls ypu up when your having sex. parang ganon. so i kinda figured ganon nga ang ginagawa nya. call it gut instinct but i know he was with someone doing something. kung di man baka pasimula pa lang or patapos na. it was around 11pm. my world stopped.

elle: *di nakapagsalita*

lj: *biglang naluha* hahaha! look at me umiiyak ako sa isang bagay na dapat di ko na iyakan. we broke up ages ago. i even had a relationship na. and yet sobrang nasasaktan pa din ako.

elle: when did this happen?

lj: kanina lang.

elle: HUWAAATT???

lj: why do you think nagaya ako uminom? i can't even describe the pain i felt... feel. it's as if you don't want to wake up coz it will only remind you of what happened. and you want to cry and cry but you fear it might not stop. you lost faith in all promises. the little hope i had disappeared in an instant.

elle: but how do you know he was doing nga that? malay mo naman hindi yun ganon.

lj: regardless if he was doing it with someone or not. he was with someone, in his room, at 11pm. kung ano man ang ginagawa nila only comes secondary. what's painful was he was with another, and i felt na para akong kabit na naghahanap ng pansin. it was wrong for me to call him but it was worse when he answered my call. i feel pathetic. needy. clingy and desperate. it hurt so much i was dazed and confused. i didn't know what to do. but what i did next was the worst. i texted him. TWICE.

elle: TANGA!

lj: i know. 1st i texted him saying sorry. and i don't even know why i even apologized. 2nd text was asking him why he answered my call. he didn't text back on both texts. i think that was the worse, he gave me the cold treatment left me hanging again. not knowing what he thinks of me now. i don't want to text him na but im tempted to.

elle: WAG! keep what little pride you have left.

lj: i don't think i even have any left. i have nothing more to give elle. pagod na din ako masaktan. i just want to be happy because i know i deserve it. and yet time and time again i've been tested. not knowing if i even passed or failed. i held on to something so uncertain. took the risk and this is the consequence i have to endure. TANGNANG BUHAY TOH!!!

elle: STOP IT! time for you to move on. to find the happiness you deserve. let go.

lj: i don't know how. i tried elle. i did. but still ...

elle: anong sakit pa ba ang dapat mong maramdaman?!? ano pang inaatay mo? umaasa ka pa ba? tinaihan ka na sa ulo. ni wala ka na ngang pride. wala ka ng pagkatao dahil sa kanya. ang laki na ng pinagbago mo pero parang hindi nya nakikita. tama na lj. enough! makakakita ka din ng taong tama para sa iyo. pero sa ngayon give your self time to heal.

lj: i thought i have. i thought i've healed and that i was ready. ang dami kong pinalampas na pagkakataong maging masaya para sa kanya. taong alam ko na mamahalin ako no matter what. pero para akong naghahabol sa isang multo. nagmamahal sa isang taong patuloy lang akong sinasaktan. and yet i can't stop loving him. what is wrong with me??

elle: stop blaming yourself. nothing's wrong with you. you just love him too much to sacrifice your own happiness.

lj: i want him to love me. love me like before. yun lang. i just want to build our dreams together. to take care of each other. to be with him and know i'm protected and loved.

elle: ano ba plano nya for you?

lj: i honestly don't know. he keeps me running in circles. but honeslly i love him so much that if he's going to be happy with someone else i'd step aside and watch. *tutulo and luha, sabay sindi ng yosi*

elle: i've known you for a long time dear and i know you can get over this. i know kaya mo toh. you've been through worse. kaya yakang yaka mo ito atche!

*cue song Angel by Sarah Maclachlan

lj: that's my song. *kakanta* spend all you life waiting for that 2nd chance for a break that will make it ok. there's always some reason to not feel good enough. and it's hard at the end of the day. i need some distraction ohh beautiful release. memories seep from my vains. it may be empty ohh weightless and maybe i'll find some peace tonight,

*sabay sila ni elle*

lj and elle: in the arms of angel fly away from here. from this star cold hotel room. and the endlessness that you feel. you are broke from the wreckage of your silent reverie. in the arms of an angel may you find some comfort here.

elle: mahirap noh?

lj: ang alin? ang tono mo? oo nga eh sablay sablay eh.

elle: gaga. and situation mo. walang kasiguraduhan.

lj: i guess i just have to live with it.

elle: so ano na plano mo?

lj: well after this uuwi na cguro.

elle: you want me to bring you home?
lj: no na. i'll be fine.

elle: sure ka?

lj: yeah. i'm strong diba?

elle: let's just finsih this drink and go?
lj: you go, baka hinahanap ka na ng asawa mo.

elle: alright. but i'd hate to leave you here alone.

lj: ano ba ang arte. i can go home fine. uuwi naman ako agad eh.

elle: o sha sha!

lj: zarturnahhh!

elle: cge i'll go na ha.. magingat ka pauwi and i'll see you. magtext ka paguwi mo ha.

lj: yup. promise. *beso, sabay kiss* love yah!

elle: love yah too atcheng!

*makalipas ang ilang minuto na nakaalis na si elle. naglakad so lj papunta sa sakayan. at habang nagaabang ng taxi*

-----itutuloy-----

No Me Ames

Tell me, why are you crying?
Because I'm happy
And why are you so choked up?
From loneliness.
And why are you squeezing my hand So tightly
And your thoughts seem to be wandering?
I love you so much
Why?
Don't be so hard-headed
Stop doubting me
Although in the future there's a large sky I'm not afraid I want to love you
Don't love me because you think I'm different
You don't think it's right
For us to spend this time together
Don't love me because I know what a lie
it would be If you don't think I deserve your love
Don't love me I'm going to stay another day
Don't love me because I'm lost
Because I change the world
Because it's my destiny
Because I can't change
We are a mirror
And you are my reflection
Don't love me
To be dying in a war of regret and sad thoughts
Don't love me
Because in this world
This great love deserves to soar through the blue sky
I don't know what to say
That's the truth
If people want to want to hurt us, they will
If you and I part now
They don't matter
But in this world
Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't listen when I say I don't love you
Don't love me
Stop breaking my heart with these "I don't love you's"
Don't love me Because my heart is breaking
That is useless I will always love you
Don't love me
You have suffered enough My heart has turned cold like a million winters
Don't love me
To forget about your grey days
I want you to always love me
You and I are changing One with the other
And always together T
his love is like the sun That comes out after a storm
Like two comets in the same galaxy
Don't love me
Don't love me
Don't love me (Don't love me, don't love me, don't love me)